Why caveat lector Should Not Write Yaoi
by caveat lector
Summary: Ladies and gentlemen, this amazing clichéstorm of a parody will surely either make you laugh 'till you drop or have you writing very angry reviews! LightxL, nothing serious, parody of a lot of smut in the world.


**A/N**: Written for me bestest friend, Nearward-Tamaki-Bridget-Dengse-O-chibi-chan (also known as IT WAS-A THE POPE), who wanted me to write a pointless sex scene for her. Title says the rest. No offence intended.

**Why caveat lector should not write yaoi.**

L and Light were alone in a room, very conveniently chained together. L was eating his sweets in an unexpectedly sexy way which made Light happy in his pants.

Of course, Light kept denying this, much to the annoyance of the readers, and told himself over and over that he wasn't gay for L, which contradicted the seemingly endless purple prose about beautiful and slightly feminine features that L actually didn't have. However, this is my fanfiction, and now he does.

Light sighed and turned away, but then L started making little slurping noises, which was apparently very attractive, even though those noises are quite disgusting. Light's toes curled because that seemed appropriate.

It was very hard to cope with a sexy master detective right there next to him, and Light decided to angst some more about having to kill the subject of his sexual interest and whatnot.

But then the point of view changed! Suddenly, the reader found themselves in the head of L, where the author was attempting to sound intelligent. But since L's head, too, was filled with purple prose and out of character thoughts, this proved very difficult and the author gave up at the end, jumping head first into a pool of clichés yet again. L was also in denial of being gay for Light, by the way.

At this point, the readers of the fanfiction scrolled to the bottom to see if there was, in fact, going to be sex. There was, and the readers decided to put up with the bad writing and spelling mistakes. After all, LightxL is not something one stumble upon frequently, is it? It is? Oh.

Back to the story, where Light and L were now both beginning to notice how very close they were sitting, chained together like that.

L licked his lips and said something unimportant to Light, which turned Light on for no readily apparent reason. Then the author got lazy and both L and Light suddenly accepted their feelings for each other, which in and on itself was quite strange, seeing as they were supposed to be enemies.

All angst that there had previously been thickening the air was suddenly gone as the two stared deeply into each other's eyes. 'Brunette' and 'Raven-haired detective' were suddenly perfect synonyms for their names as the author felt that 'Light' and 'L' didn't do it for her and decided that it was perfectly acceptable to mention the colour of their hair.

The soon-to-be couple looked into each other's eyes again and there was no need for words to describe their never dying love. However, dirty talking being a common fetish, they stated how much they wanted to have sex with the other one and there was a small discussion about who should be top and bottom. Now, this would normally be quite the moment-killer, but it wasn't.

They agreed that L should be on bottom, because.

There was (again, very conveniently) a bed in the room, and Light threw L down upon it, and he landed like a feather. The sheets didn't even wrinkle. Japanese terms for this and that were thrown around and then Light kissed L passionately.

Then there was a long paragraph about how they tasted, but it started to get icky and the author moved on.

Then Light started touching L in places that would normally not be considered erogenous, but now they were. L moaned.

A lot of time was spent on undressing and touching and kissing and then Light put his finger into L's mouth. This may seem like a strange thing to do, but it proved useful when, afterwards, he put that very same finger into L's... uhh. Opening. The other opening.

To show some realism in this mess, L felt quite uncomfortable at that. But of course, it was all over within one paragraph and he was, at the end of it, enjoying it very much.

Since the spit was enough lubrication for hot, gay sex, Light pulled his finger(s) out of L, briefly wondered when they'd gotten the handcuffs off, and proceeded to gently push his erection into the detective beneath him, commenting on the tightness of the muscles around his... erection.

When he was all the way in, he waited a little for L to adjust, but after a few seconds L was blushingly telling him to move. And so he did, complete with long inner monologues about loving his worst enemy.

For some reason, the actual sex is always the shortest part of such stories and so the author of this amused herself with ending it all so soon.

Then Light's dad came in, just for the comedic effect it would hopefully have.


End file.
